Anyone who's spent time in any kind of relationship knows, whether as a leader, an employee, a child, a spouse, a friend, a vendor, a supplier, or a customer, knows that unspoken expectations can be a silent killer. They lurk beneath the surface, creating misunderstandings, breeding resentment, unforgiveness, judgements, and ultimately destroying the relationship. I've seen this firsthand, both in my own experiences and in observing the dynamics of countless relationships, both personal and professional.
Years ago, when I was managing an auto shop, a situation happened that I will never forget. A customer brought in his Jeep for a tune-up. He'd heard good things about our shop and seemed to have faith in our expertise. I felt that I had developed a good rapport with the customer, even though it was his first visit. During the inspection, we discovered the brakes were in need of repair. When I called the customer to discuss the tune-up, I mentioned the brake issue. He gave me the go-ahead to fix them without even asking about the price.
I made an assumption. I assumed he was comfortable with whatever the cost might be. I assumed he trusted us implicitly. I was wrong. When he came to pick up his Jeep and saw the bill, he was shocked. Even back then, the rotors cost us over $100 each, so in fairness, the cost of the brake job was higher than “normal” and was significantly higher than he'd anticipated. He stormed out, leaving a trail of frustration and anger in his wake. This incident taught me a valuable lesson, assumptions are dangerous. Without clear communication, misunderstandings are inevitable.
Another more recent instance that sticks with me involved a long-time employee. They’d been with the company for over a decade, a loyal and dedicated team member. When their 10th anniversary rolled around, we celebrated the same way we always did: with a card and a gift card.
However, they'd expected something more, expecting a greater acknowledgment of their milestone, a more significant recognition of their years of service. Despite my apology, the damage was done. The lack of thoughtfulness on my part and the lack of clear communication about their expectations had created a rift, causing hurt feelings that had to be worked through.
This experience underscored an important truth: a job description is just the starting point when it comes to setting expectations, it's the bare minimum. It does not encompass everyday expectations or unspoken desires for recognition and appreciation. Who actually pulls out a job description to review it? If we do, it's usually when there is a problem that’s been brewing, and we are looking for a reason to fire that employee.
The underlying psychology of unmet expectations is a fascinating and often painful phenomenon. Each unaddressed issue, each unmet expectation, becomes like a brick in a wall. Over time, these bricks accumulate, creating barriers in relationships. These barriers can arise in marriages, friendships, and, of course, workplaces. What seems obvious to one person may not be to another.
As leaders, it's our responsibility to be proactive. We need to be aware of these walls as they're being built. We must acknowledge when we may have fallen short of someone's expectations and be open about our own expectations of others. This is particularly crucial in our roles as employers.
By addressing issues head-on, we can prevent these barriers from becoming impenetrable. We can maintain healthy, transparent relationships, fostering an environment of trust and mutual respect. If we don’t, the brick wall becomes a solid barrier between the two parties and the relationship is doomed to failure.
The solution to the problem of unspoken expectations is, in many ways, quite simple: clear, direct, and assertive communication. It's about fostering an environment where open dialogue is encouraged, where expectations are explicitly stated and discussed. It’s about asking questions when we sense a rife, or you read body language that tells you that person is frustrated.
In the case of the Jeep customer, it shouldn’t have mattered that he gave me the “go-ahead” without knowing the price, I still should have given him the costs before proceeding with the repairs, and that could have made all the difference. It would have managed his expectations, preventing the shock and frustration he experienced.
Similarly, with the long-time employee, regular check-ins about career milestones and personal goals could have provided an opportunity to discuss their expectations and align them with the company's practices. (FYI- it did put us on a path to have a better work anniversary program moving forward.)
As leaders, we must continually ask ourselves: Have we set the proper expectations? Or are we assuming that others should inherently know what to do and when to do it? Did we tell them something a year ago, and assumed they remembered. Did you assume someone else clearly articulated something to them, and so you are punishing them for something that was not made clear, and you think they “broke the rules” for the last time?
We must remember that clarity is kindness. By fostering a culture of transparency, we can mitigate misunderstandings, build stronger relationships, and create a more positive workplace where everyone feels valued and understood. This not only improves day-to-day operations but also contributes to a healthier, more productive work environment. When people feel heard and understood, they're more likely to be engaged and motivated.
The lessons learned about unspoken expectations in the workplace extend far beyond the office or the shop floor. They apply to our personal lives too. In our relationships with our spouses, partners, friends, and family members, the same principles apply. Clear communication, open dialogue, and a willingness to acknowledge and address unmet expectations are essential for building strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationships. By recognizing the power of unspoken expectations and actively working to address them, we can create a more positive and fulfilling life, both personally and professionally.
Now go have that tough conversation and let me know how it goes!
